robwit.net

Nerdy Blogger Wittig's Equally Nerdy Friend Allen Humiliated by His French
Girl Friend

Can You Believe the Moron Wrote About Her on the Web! And She Saw It!

ACADEMICIAN VERNATSKIY STATION, ANTARCTICA ---A lovely penguin with a particularly sharp and intensely colored beak announced today that the hapless "Allen" (a co-blogger with blogging idiot R. Wittig of Nowheresville, Northern Hemisphere), has just made a giant ass of himself. Allen underestimated the ability and willingness of his new love interest to tune in to the internet to read his dull natterings. And when she did --- kaboom! Fireworks!

Blogs are Utter Waste of Natural Resources

Penguin-led Commission Issues Scathing Report

MAWSON STATION, ANTARCTICA ---A highly intelligent (and comely) commission reports today that the amount of energy that some human beings pour into working on their dumb web logs ("blogs") could power an Antarctic research station for nearly seven years.
"And that means seven years of humans giving free fish hand-outs to the local penguin population simply because they are so darned good-looking," a spokebird iterated in a press conference earlier today.
"So on the one hand you have a bunch of stale writing no one is interested in, and on the other you have penguins getting all the free fish they so richly deserve," the spokesbird spat. "It's hardly a contest."

Fools Continue
to Attempt Censorship
of Penguin Publication

Teeny Tiny Times Target of Repressive Acts in Ridiculous Northern Hemisphere

ACADEMICIAN VERNATSKIY STATION, ANTARCTICA --- Some idiotic weblogs are continuing to try to supress the publication of the Teeny Tiny Times in their columns, despite the fact that the TTT is clearly the most interesting, pertinent, eloquent, attractive, apt, thoughtful, meaningful, finely-written, and appealing material that has ever appeared under their mastheads.
I mean, conme on! Do you think anyone is really interested in how many more chachkis you've added to your chachki collection in the last two days? Unless, of course, you collect beautiful penguin figurines, in which case --- more power to you!

In fact, we might recommend that you create a nice ice-flow diorama in which to place your beautiful penguin figurines, an ice flow diorama featuring plenty of yummy fish just lying in rows on the surface, ready to be eaten.

Sight of Lovely Penguins Brings Delight to Sane Primates

Mentally Healthy Homanids Love the Magnificent Birds, Institute Finds

NOVALAZAROVSKAYA STATION, ANTARCTICA -- Just looking at a penguin or an image of a penguin for less than 12 minutes a day can bring some primates a level of contentment and joy that they have rarely experienced in their sad, empty, tall, long-legged lives.
"Something about penguins just reeks of intelligence," a penguin of superior beauty commented in an off-hand way Tuesday. "How could you look at a penguin and not say to yourself --- dang! the Great Bird sure knew what She was doing when She created this unbelievably good-looking species!"

12:04 'wordsman and Beverly order iced coffee. Summer is great. Rob arrives and demands to know if 'wordsman is behind the penguin newspaper on the blog. 'wordsman pretends to fumble his denial and acts guilty. Beverly cracks up.

12:07 Rob is dejected --- 'wordsman obviously is not impersonating the penguins. It must be some hacker. Could it be Joe Tabbi's handiwork? Or Anne Burdick?

12:09 What's the deal with Allen? Is he ready for a Real Relationship with this French woman he hardly knows? 'wordsman says yes. Rob says maybe. Beverly says no way, Schmozay.

12:14 Beverly wants all the Olympic Track and Field men to be nude like in the original ancient Olympics. Rob and 'wordsman wince. Beverly says: Exactly! She wants to see what happens to it. Does it shrink and get out of the way? If it knows what's good for it, says Rob.

12:18 Nude Olympics; Beverly says Nude Boxing and Rob and 'wordsman wince. Rob says Nude Archery and Beverly winces. 'wordsman says Nude Badminton and everybody winces.

12:22 Beverly is scandalized. How can 'wordsman say Allen is ready? 'wordsman has inside information: Allen's sister has two kids and Allen loves them. Beverly says: Nonetheless. Rob says Allen covets his bachelorhood.

12:30 Allen is intensely loyal with his employees. To a fault. Proof that Allen is not afraid of attachment, says 'wordsman. Employee/employer is a different relationship. Theoretically, says Beverly. They reminisce about Greta, Allen's former employee and long-time, on-and-off lover.

12: 37 Rob says Allen learned his lesson with Greta. Plus Allen's skin cancer put the scare in him. Guys have biological clocks, too.

12:42 'wordsman wants nudity to be the theme of the whole Olympics. He's very old school. Bike racing, too. Rob says the Olympics already have a theme: performance-enhancing drugs.

12:47 Performance enhancing drugs are natural --- part of human nature --- and should be legal, says 'wordsman. The true test of a national prowess is to see how jaked their scientists can make their athletes.

12:54 NASCAR is a battle between the engineers, not the drivers, says Rob; maybe 'wordsman's right. Imagine an Olympics of completely jaked, raving, jittery athletes.

12:55 Nude, adds Beverly

12: 59 Beverly thinks she, Rob and 'wordsman should get on a conference call to Allen. An intervention. Just to make sure that he's OK and not going off the deep end.

1:04 Rob sweeps up the tab. Hugs all around. Beverly will call about the conference call with Allen.